Like millions of other Filipinos, I was born and raised a Catholic. It was out of the question, we attend Sunday mass for an hour every week, the same routine every time. At one point when I was about 10, I was even pilfering the unleavened bread from the church and bringing it to our house to perform the mass myself. I thought the end justifies the means. When I was a teenager I have joined the choir, read the scriptures during the mass, participated in church plays, and even organized church events.

I excelled. I became very arrogant because I know I am good. There was no need for God. I forgot Him and lead a very different life. I was evil. I had no regard for others, especially for my parents. I wanted to live my life beyond my means and I made it plain clear that it was somebody else's fault why we are poor. That we didn't deserve what we had. I did many terrible things. But the worst is forgetting that God existed.

I went to Saudi Arabia for five years. There, I felt the pang of hunger and searched for God. I was so desperate I will try anything. I have attended several "born again" ministries but it didn't touch me. I have attended school for Islam, but somehow, something is always holding me back. I knew many things - I kept on reading, enriching my mind - hoping that somehow I will find the real key to happiness. I do rituals of writing letters and burning them to release guilt and learn to forgive others, but it didn't do well. After a while the things I have burnt and supposed to have forgotten seeped into me again and made me feel worse.

Then I moved to the US. I started to think, is there nothing that will make me permanently happy? Is such a feat impossible? Is this just an empty place where happiness is only temporary? I have been to places, finally here in the US to work - a dream for most, my siblings are doing well, my family is okay, I have found a very wonderful husband, and I am healthy. But why do I feel empty? Then I realized that perhaps the only way I can be totally happy is if I forget my past and live as a child again. But how am I supposed to do that?

At one time, I met someone who asked me if I know Jesus. I'm a Catholic so I replied "Yes," but she told me I will know Him very soon in the real sense. She told me "Jesus loves you very much," and I cried. I couldn't stop crying every time I hear about Jesus.

That's why I am here. I am starting to know God. He is called by many names, and one of them is Jesus. I can't explain how hard it is for me to accept this, because many ideas came into me that refute this truth. Through the days I have grown with the Lord, many things have been revealed to me about myself. I call them revelations, because I don't think I can think of them without guidance - without anyone pointing them out to me. I will be too proud to say that I realized it myself, because if God did not plant these thoughts on me, I won't be able to think them.

The essence of the thought that "God knows me more than I know myself" really dawned on me and I finally understood. He knows how many strands of hair I have, He knows how many times my heart beats each day, He knows my secret thoughts, my deepest longings, my desires, my sins. He wants me to be happy, not wallowing with guilt, desperation, self-pity and loneliness.

All these years I have asked about my purpose in life. What is it that I have to do? What's the reason for my existence? It was revealed to me that my only purpose in life is to worship and love God with all I am and everything I have. That's why I was created. Thus, every part of my body should always do things in order to exalt my Creator. Everything I do must be done in order to please the Lord.

Seeking God on a weekly basis is NEVER enough. It is our purpose to glorify God and we must do everything we do everyday, every hour, every minute, and every second to show Him our praise. It will change the way we live our lives.

I am nothing without God. He is everything. I am offering Him my toes, hands, my eyes, my ears, all my tears, my heart, mind, soul, body and spirit, and every part of my being. I give back everything to Him and for Him to do whatever He pleases.

God can make me innocent again because God is GOD and He can do anything He wants. He alone can give back my childhood, my freedom, my happiness and countless things my heart desires. He wants the best for me and He knows what is best for me.

In the end, we are all alone. There will be no husband, child, mother, father, brother, sister or friend who will be standing beside us, holding our hands all the time. When we become bereft of any human relationships, it is only God who will stay with us at all times. Never leaving us, never forsaking us.

Right now, I do have doubts, not of God but of myself. I have countless questions. In my pursuit of the truth, I find so many lies. In my pursuit of knowledge, I find so many things I have yet to learn. In my pursuit of holiness, I find myself very much flawed. But despite all these things, I have trust in God that He will reveal everything to me in His own sweet time, gauging the circumstances when I will be ready to accept whatever He will tell me. I should always be patient and wait till my puzzle is solved. A puzzle indeed! I may not know what His plans for me are, but I rest assured that everything will be revealed to me in due course, when the time is right.

How absurd of me to think I can take care of myself! I am what I am right now because that is what God wants me to be. I can plan all I want and I can organize my life the way I want but in the end, without God's grace, I will be nothing. No amount of structure or organization will make my plans complete without God giving His go signal.

I can choose many other things, many different paths. But I choose to be with God because God makes me more powerful that all powers in the earth combined, more beautiful than all other beautiful women combined, wealthier than all other riches of the universe combined... because I am His daughter.

I cry. I cry not of unhappiness or regret. I cry not because I have depression or sad heart. But I cry nonetheless. I have this unfathomable reason for crying whenever I think about God. I try to understand, I try hard to figure out. But my mind does not understand. I have resigned myself to God's will, and it's His will that will be done.